This Moment Continues

I am still.

I am waiting for an answer that doesn’t seem to come;

And somewhere in the depths of me, I hear: “are you truly listening?”

The truth- I wasn’t listening. I was waiting. I was waiting for the answer that I wanted to hear.

It‘s been intense the past couple months. In which, challenges upon challenges came up that had me going through an emotional rollercoaster. Some of what I was going through was dealing with the normal day to day challenges. However, it was the past traumas that kept arising that had me going through loops. It was the past that kept me frozen in time, keeping me from being the woman I want to be and reaching the goals I want to achieve. I was feeling things that were suppressed to the vary part of me where I forgot existed. It went to a black hole that hid at the core of me. And it came to light to see if I was ready to move towards better. This is what they mean when they say that the past has a way with catching up to you. And it did, and it was time for me to deal with it.

This is a part of my journey to bettering myself, aka my “healing journey”. And I had to go into the depths of me and work through those issues, those memories that were programmed into me, along with the lies that limited me. I did a great job at ignoring and avoiding. And there were moments that was so difficult and unbearable. This was the devil inside my head. And, what was required of me was to feel these issues, accept them as they have happened, and release them from the chains that weighed me down. These are parts of the healing journey. And as I’ve been told this journey is not a race it’s a marathon. Sometimes it feels like you’re moving right along and then the next moment you may trip or have to take a few steps back. This marathon requires taking a look in the mirror and really seeing all the beauty and all the flaws that are seen in its reflection. It is taking the core within both dark and light, and loving and accepting oneself entirely as you are at this present moment.

And I know I’m not alone in this, when it comes to my shadow self, I try to avoid and suppress her, which then she ends up being that void that I try to ignore. However, when it is quiet and no one is around, everything gets extremely loud and those things I try to distract myself away from becomes undeniable.

So, what do you do? What do I do?

Typically, I would distract myself with something to do; but that void that I tried to ignore becomes so escruciatingly loud to the point where I have to face it (I mean we always have a choice right, either deal with it or continue letting it build til it drive you insane. I had let myself feel them.

For the longest time, I was afraid of feeling. I learned somewhere in my short life that feeling my feelings was dangerous. That it hurts. It didn’t feel good. There were no pleasure from feeling my feelings. I learned that being in your feelings was a sign if weakness, and by being open and vulnerable will leave you in pain and scarred. Am I the only one?

Of course not! However, somewhere in this healing journey, it was required for me to feel. And it came in with so much mixed emotions. There was this force that I had to release. I felt anger, rage, fury. I wanted to scream, yell and fight. And somehow, I had to release those feelings in a healthy way, right? By even bringing awareness to that much pain was scary. Because the question is: how do we release? Feel it: breathe into it, this is what makes you feel alive.

See it: accept it for what it is and learn from it.

Release it: It holds no value except the value that has been place on it. Let it go

With Love💚